By The Judges

THERE ARE MONSTERS

Writer: Bryan Bertino

“A mother and daughter find themselves stranded in the middle of the night on an abandoned road. Deep in the surrounding woods a nightmarish terror stalks them, and they must find the courage to face the beast or be destroyed by it.”

Cameron:

Thoughts before reading the script: A mother daughter relationship story embedded in a contained horror film. The logline establishes the inciting incident and suggests a goal of escaping or directly defeating the beast in the woods.  But,  ‘they must find the courage to face the beast or be destroyed by it’ comes off as a little heavy handed in the theme department.

Thoughts after reading the script: The script delivered what was promised in the logline with a strong conflict between the mother and daughter which could be mentioned in the logline.

“An alcoholic, distant mother and her young daughter, find themselves stranded in the middle of the night on an abandoned road,and  must fight for survival as a nightmarish terror stalks them.”

PATROL

Writer:  Jayson Rothwell

“A group of Marines, embedded in South Asia, embark on patrol of a remote island in search of drug runners. What they end up finding is something much more deadly and demonic than they could ever imagine.”

Cameron: 

Thoughts before reading the script: The logline doesn’t establish a single protagonist but instead opts to focus on the “Marines”, suggesting the script will focus and develop each marine with equal weight and clarity. What we then have is a contained setting with a clear goal ‘to find drug runners.’ The second sentence is more of a hook and suggests maybe a mid-point reversal/goal shift to escape the island alive while avoiding whatever demonic entity the marines have disturbed.

Thoughts after reading the script: The script does indeed focus on the Marines as a whole but still has a lead protagonist who particularly drives the action in act 3, so the logline could still focus in on him, although the character isn’t the commanding officer in the unit. The second sentence could also focus in on the actual antagonist’s while still maintaining a sense of mystery. The antagonist force being a native ‘deformed’ tribe with above average human capabilities.

“A group of Marines embark on a patrol of a remote island in South Asia in search of drug runners, but must escape the island after a tribe of ‘deformed’ natives decide the Marines are not welcome.”

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.

By The Judges

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE

written by Ian Goldberg & Richard Naing

“A father / son mortician team try to uncover the cause of death on a Jane Doe. The more they uncover, the more mysterious and terrifying their world becomes.”

Cameron: What the logline has: Father/son relationship dynamic, a goal to discover the cause of death on a Jane Doe and hints at supernatural elements that will provide an antagonist force. Though ‘mysterious and terrifying their world becomes’ may be considered vague, it provides enough of a hook to flip past the scripts title page. But it treads a fine line between hook and vague.

Also, if there is a conflict dynamic between the father and son, hinting at that conflict would add depth to the protagonist’s in the logline.

INK AND BONE

written by Zak Olkewicz

“When a female book editor visits the home of a horror writer she finds that all of his creations are holding him hostage.”

Cameron: As the logline stands, the only thing we know about the protagonist is that she’s ‘female’ — not much to picture there. How about stating her character flaw or a defining trait that will effect how the audience can picture her reacting to the inciting incident of finding this horror writer with his creations holding him hostage.

Speaking of inciting incidents, that’s the only thing that the remainder of the logline actually achieves. I know, the goal is kind-of implied, most likely it’s ‘escape the house of horrors with herself and the writer intact’, but stating that in the logline wouldn’t hurt or bloat the logline either.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.

Jonathan Empson is currently writing an eight-part TV series called Dangerously Smart for Palm Beach Pictures.
Jonathan’s TV pilot script Chrome was nominated for an AWGIE in 2010, and his feature script Leonardo’s War reached the top 30 of the 2012 Nicholl Fellowships competition.

]]> https://www.thestorydepartment.com/mini-review-mystery-road/feed/ 0 29996 https://www.thestorydepartment.com/logline-it-black-list-2012-week-32/ https://www.thestorydepartment.com/logline-it-black-list-2012-week-32/#comments Fri, 13 Sep 2013 01:28:59 +0000 https://thestorydepartment.com/?p=30199 Read more]]> Writing loglines is an essential skill for screenwriters, from early development through to the pitch. In this section, we review the loglines and short synopses of the screenplays that made it into the Blacklist 2012. Learn from the feedback and perfect your own loglining skills.

By The Judges

KING OF HEISTS

“Based on the book King of Heists: The Sensational Bank Robbery of 1878 That Shocked America, written by J. North Conway. An unassuming man in the elite New York society assembles a crew that pulls off the largest bank heist in American history in 1878.”

Cameron: The purpose of a logline is to entice the reader and interest them enough so they’ll read the script. What we have here is a back story and premise to the idea.

So completely ignoring the first sentence, the logline is half way there; we have a Protagonist with a clear goal – to rob a bank. But why? Who exactly is the Protagonist, “an unassuming man” is vague and what’s his motivation for robbing the bank? The reasoning may be obvious if people know about the true event, but if they don’t, the audience has no reason to empathize with the Protagonist who simply appears to be a rich guy robbing a bank.

THE PAPER MAN

The true story of Matthias Sindelar, the Austrian footballer voted as the Sportsman of the Century and killed by Hitler’s Nazi party.

Cameron: Again, the theme of the week is ‘premise’ vs ‘logline’. The Paper Man is a premise line. If a reader has no knowledge or context for the story, an Australian Sportsman of the Century being killed by Hitler’s Nazi party makes absolutely no sense.

The key to this logline is what connects the Protagonist to the Nazi party.  Is Matthias involved in World War 2 as an enlisted soldier? This would clear up contextual confusion.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.

Mercifully Short Review by Jonathan Empson

Adam (Liam Hemsworth) is a junior brain at tech company Wyatt Corporation. He and his team are fired by Nicholas Wyatt (Gary Oldman) for pitching a product that Wyatt thinks is pointless. I’m with Wyatt on that one. But Wyatt then rehires the cash-strapped Adam to infiltrate Eikon, run by Wyatt’s nemesis Jock Goddard (Harrison Ford, shorter than I remember), in order to steal a new phone design.

Why Eikon then employs Adam, a failed whiz kid, is not explained very well. It’s one of many loose threads in this thriller, which is nowhere near as smart, slick or tense as it needs to be. The dialogue is dull and the characters are pretty flat: the director’s notes to Amber Heard, playing Adam’s love interest, seem to have been largely “walk from here to there, looking beautiful”. Which, admittedly, she does well. 6/10

Released September 5, 2013.

Jonathan Empson is currently writing an eight-part TV series called Dangerously Smart for Palm Beach Pictures.
Jonathan’s TV pilot script Chrome was nominated for an AWGIE in 2010, and his feature script Leonardo’s War reached the top 30 of the 2012 Nicholl Fellowships competition.

]]> https://www.thestorydepartment.com/mini-review-paranoia/feed/ 0 29999 https://www.thestorydepartment.com/logline-it-black-list-2012-week-31/ https://www.thestorydepartment.com/logline-it-black-list-2012-week-31/#respond Thu, 05 Sep 2013 06:41:26 +0000 https://thestorydepartment.com/?p=30148 Read more]]> Writing loglines is an essential skill for screenwriters, from early development through to the pitch. In this section, we review the loglines and short synopses of the screenplays that made it into the Blacklist 2012. Learn from the feedback and perfect your own loglining skills.

By The Judges

TITANS OF PARK ROW

“Young William Randolph Hearst goes to war against an ageing Joseph Pulitzer as each tries to monopolize coverage of a mysterious homicide capturing New York’s imagination, birthing the modern concept of sensationalist media coverage.”

Tor Dollhouse: 

PROS
– A unique story.
– Clear goal.

CONS

– Passive protagonist elements. The real story would be better perceived from the murderer’s P.O.V.
– High budget/period piece.

With a few more re-writes, the writer could have addressed the underlying story problems that face this from being a knockout of a logline/story. The real concern is having the protagonist(s) observe the real story that if not handled correctly could be its own downfall. Hopefully the focus is put on the sabotage of each individual and their respective media outlets.

Nicholasandrewhalls: I don’t know who or what the protagonist and antagonist is/are … I assume reporters or newspaper editors? The name “Pulitzer” should probably give me some indication, BUT … let’s assume that I am the producer you’ve just pitched the script to … am I expected to go and look it up on Wikipedia, learn about the real people and events, before I can decide whether I think your story is compelling enough to read?

“Am I expected to go and look it up on Wikipedia… Learn about the real people and events?”

Also … unless I am a history scholar, I have no personal connection with these characters yet, so AVOID using their names. With the excpetion of writing an entry into an existing franchise, stick with CHARACTER FLAW and then one other identifier (FATHER / REPORTER / DETECTIVE / MENTAL PATIENT).

“Goes to war” would probably work, if I knew the “world” in which these characters operated. Media … but specifically newspapers? Does one character specifically try to block the other character out of reporting the event?

PESTE

“Following the outbreak of a virus that wipes out the majority of the human population, a teen documents her family’s new life in quarantine and tries to protect her infected sister.”

Cameron: The elements that work: clearly defined inciting incident, A protagonist in a contained setting with a clear goal which is also an impending dilemma – protect her sister and potentially infect others or give her up.

“A protagonist with a clear goal and dilemma – protect her sister and potentially infect others or give her up.”

What could help though, is to give the protagonist more of a description and give her a flaw which directly relates to her ability to form decisions based on the moral dilemma of protecting her sister. Maybe if the protagonist was naive, this naivety could be what gets the sister infected in the first place and it’s the naivety that the protagonist thinks she can protect her infected sister that puts others in danger.

Tor Dollhouse: 

PROS
– Strong visual event.
– Impending confrontation with close relationship.

CONS
– Doesn’t clearly specify use of found footage element.
– Lack of specific goal other than to survive.

The writer demonstrates an innate ability to deliver the story from their perspective but leads to a watered down logline that may cause issues with producers who are looking to check every element beforehand.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.

Mercifully Short Review by Jonathan Empson 

Ahlo is an only twin (as Peter Cook would have it), his sibling having been stillborn. In Laos, twins are considered bad luck, so his mother and his old bat of a grandmother covered up that fact.

When Ahlo’s village is forced to relocate to make way for a new dam, that and subsequent events seem to confirm his bad-luck status. Their new village is still a building site. Then Ahlo falls foul of the existing residents and his family is chased out.

Ahlo decides that he must prove the omens wrong and make amends by winning the top prize at the spectacular – but potentially lethal – Rocket Festival for home-made projectiles.

Some funny moments and two lovely child actors are the highlights of this quite sweet film. Its plot is unambitious, but it offers a rare glimpse into life in a country still scarred by the war. 7/10

Released August 29, 2013.

Jonathan Empson is currently writing an eight-part TV series called Dangerously Smart for Palm Beach Pictures.
Jonathan’s TV pilot script Chrome was nominated for an AWGIE in 2010, and his feature script Leonardo’s War reached the top 30 of the 2012 Nicholl Fellowships competition.

]]> https://www.thestorydepartment.com/mini-review-the-rocket/feed/ 0 30127 https://www.thestorydepartment.com/logline-it-black-list-2012-week-30/ https://www.thestorydepartment.com/logline-it-black-list-2012-week-30/#respond Fri, 30 Aug 2013 02:25:40 +0000 https://thestorydepartment.com/?p=30108 Read more]]> Writing loglines is an essential skill for screenwriters, from early development through to the pitch. In this section, we review the loglines and short synopses of the screenplays that made it into the Blacklist 2012. Learn from the feedback and perfect your own loglining skills.

By The Judges

MONSOON

“A dangerous love affair between a photojournalist and a black market smuggler set against the June 2001 massacre of the Royal Family in Nepal.”

Cameron:  What we have here is a statement of premise consisting of a time frame and a generalized arc between two characters but not exactly who the Protagonist is, nor clear goals or obstacles.

“What we have here is a statement of premise… not a logline.”

Though the story is based upon a true events, you can’t expect the reader to be instantly familiar with the event in question. How does the relationship between the photojournalist and black market smuggler impact or intertwine with the massacre?

Wilsondownunder: Who is the protagonist? The photojournalist or the smuggler? I assume journalist. Perhaps focus on the protagonist and tell us more about the relationship.

“What is the goal of the Protagonist?”

Immediately I’m wondering:

Why the journalist would want to be with someone working within the realm of the black market.

Why is it dangerous (aside from the obvious link to the black market and political turmoil) – who is the antagonist  making things  dangerous for this particular character?

What’s the goal of your protagonist – other than some good ol’ lovin?

Answering some of these questions in your logline will help the reader see your film in a snapshot.

THE LIGHTHOUSE

“William Van Alen’s building of the Chrysler building and the competition to be the first to complete the world’s tallest building.”

Cameron: Again, a statement of premise rather than a logline. The premise does gives the reader a Protagonist with a clear goal but is vague on the Antagonist front. Instead of “competition” ,which may be referring to a rival building company, focus on a single individual that represents the Protagonist’s greatest threat.

“For an Antagonist, focus on a single individual that represents the “competition” so the Protagonist has someone to play off.”

Also, the stakes. If William is unable to complete the building or lose, what happens? He may become bankrupt, become so obsessed that he may lose a love interest etc.

Wilsondownunder: William’s character traits and any potential flaws he had should be incorporated into the logline. While most people know what the Chrysler building is and it’s significance, you still want the story to sound compelling, rather than a recount of history.

“While readers may know the history of the Chrysler building, you still want the story to sound compelling, rather than a recount of history.”

Something along the lines of:

An obsessive architect destroys all that is good in his life as he becomes consumed by his desire to build the Worlds tallest building – the Chrysler.

Not ideal but focussing it on the character rather than the story adds an element of interest – as we already know the story.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.

Mercifully Short Review by Jonathan Empson

Dave/Kick-Ass, the superhero with no actual superpowers, is bored with life now he’s hung up his suit. He tries to persuade Mindy, aka Hit Girl, a one-girl marine corps, to train him up so they can fight crime together.

Which she does, but then her guardian persuades her to hang up her own suit and give life a go as an ordinary 15-year-old. So Kick-Ass finds a gang of like-minded costume-wearers to hang out with. It’s all fine until his rich-kid nemesis Chris reinvents himself as supervillain Motherfucker to come after Kick-Ass. As Chris is essentially useless, he hires a bunch of genuinely bad people to help him out.

This has plenty of laugh-out-loud sections but the plotting and characters are more half-ass than kick-ass, and the wince-while-laughing comic-book violence crosses the nasty line too many times. 7/10

Released August 22, 2013.

Jonathan Empson is currently writing an eight-part TV series called Dangerously Smart for Palm Beach Pictures.
Jonathan’s TV pilot script Chrome was nominated for an AWGIE in 2010, and his feature script Leonardo’s War reached the top 30 of the 2012 Nicholl Fellowships competition.

]]> https://www.thestorydepartment.com/mini-review-kick-ass-2/feed/ 0 30004 https://www.thestorydepartment.com/logline-it-black-list-2012-week-29/ https://www.thestorydepartment.com/logline-it-black-list-2012-week-29/#respond Thu, 22 Aug 2013 10:39:33 +0000 https://thestorydepartment.com/?p=30068 Read more]]> Writing loglines is an essential skill for screenwriters, from early development through to the pitch. In this section, we review the loglines and short synopses of the screenplays that made it into the Blacklist 2012. Learn from the feedback and perfect your own loglining skills.

By The Judges

THE EEL

“An escaped convict is ensnared in a plot by a corrupt Sheriff to kidnap the young heiress to an oil fortune, complicating his quest for freedom.”

Cameron: Firstly, it’s going to be difficult to empathize with a convict unless he has been wrongly committed (which should be in the logline if that’s the case) and secondly ‘ensnared in a plot’ is a vague reference that could mean absolutely anything.

The second half of the logline involving the antagonist (Sheriff) and the task of kidnapping the heiress (clear goal) in order for the protagonist to gain freedom, works but could be clearer.

“Ensnared in a plot’ is a vague reference that could mean absolutely anything.”

So implementing the suggestions, the logline would look something like this:

“An escaped convict, wrongly committed (if he’s not, add a redeemable quality), must kidnap the heiress to an oil fortune, for a corrupt Sheriff in order to secure permanent freedom.”

FUCK MARRY KILL

“Three best friends return for their high school reunion intent on righting all the wrongs done to them in high school … by either fucking, marrying, or killing their tormentors.”

Cameron: Besides the unmarketable title, we don’t know anything about the three best friends, but giving them each an adjective or flaw would make the logline too long.

Is the focus of the film a multi-protagonist story with a shifting POV between the three, or do wee see the events of the film from the perspective of one of the friends? It’s always more difficult to write a screenplay with multiple protagonists because there’s less screen time to arc each character with equal effect.

“The protagonists’ seem down right psychotic which is bad news for the audiences empathy.”

Is the goal really just to fuck, marry, or kill their childhood tormentors? The first question that comes to mind in the context of just the logline in regards to motivations, is why on earth would the protagonists’ want to fuck or marry their childhood tormentors? It may indeed make perfect sense in the screenplay, but the ham fisted approach in the logline makes the protagonists’ seem down right psychotic which is bad news for the audiences empathy for them.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.