– I also really thought that the comments/feedback from the Judges on `And Death Rode With Her’ were terrific too. ie – nailed the key issues, again. The Concept is GREAT. I would likely wanna go see this movie but possibly the Logline can be honed as suggested by the Story Dept Judges here.

ie Steven makes some excellent points here. (ie, I just happen to totally agree, LOL).
ie – It currently (the wording of the Logline) does – accidentally? – read perhaps a little bit `camp’ as the concept is so huge – and so, it does indeed, ambiguously maybe tilt towards `spoof’ – and; this is unlikely to be the intention.
ie – It’s probably more meant to be: a `supernatural horror epic’ – like Constantine, or The Seventh Sign…

ie So – possibly, the `Tone’ has therefore missed its target. Suggest: the Tone of a Logline actually needs to `tell us’ the genre, even in subtext.

ie (This is all probably all very obvious) – a Logline for a comedy needs to make us laugh out loud; a Logline for a supernatural thriller-horror should (ideally) give us chills just from the simple statement of the Premise itself. (Also – I am not suggesting this is easy to do, in approx 25 words… but when it does: wow. And the `wow’ reaction is exactly what you need, right?)

So – I totally agree on the specific point that `deadly powers’ is a bit too vague. eg Can it be made more specific? `with deadly powers of telekenesis’ (say)

(or: of pyrokinesis, but, this was also `Firestarter’, so, needs something different/`fresh’, etc).

Agree with James’ points above…. Possibly – too much given away… And: fascinating points James makes about the 2-stage thing!!! ie – Sold! Totally agree. My analysis of the Top 20 ROI feature films indicates they are all 2-stage stories EXACTLY how you describe James, and contrary to popular mythology/misconception – Aristotle actually said this in `Poetics’: 2 parts, exactly as James mentions. (and, the great Aristotle never actually said `3 Acts’…)

Alternately though (just entertaining an unlikely thought here), it kind of IS high concept – to hit us with the idea of `the 4 Horsemen’, if it can be done, somehow without giving away too much of the 2nd part/showdown aspect of the Story.

The original suggested Logline reads:
“When a grieving medic with deadly powers resists induction into the “When a grieving medic with deadly powers orsemen of the “When a grieving medic with deadly powers pocalypse, “When a grieving medic with deadly powers must battle the remaining three in order to save the world”

Note: I do like the `undeserved misfortune’ suggested here, always a good way to create empathy. (ie – grieving medic)

Alternately, maybe: suggest getting the idea of autopsy in there, (Bear with me… say a Coroner’s intern. ie A Student who is learning how to do autopsies. This could tie in to Revelations if she protagonist manages to identify a recent death as the Herald of the beginning of the Armageddon leading to The Rapture, etc. `The Seventh Sign’ with Demi Moore actually handled this pretty well in many ways. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seventh_Sign)

So – (this still isn’t right, but the 4 horsemen are supposedly Pestilence, War, Famine and Death right?) I mean according to popular interpretation and like the popualr interpretation of Aristotle saying 3 Acts that may be problematic, I’m no Biblical Scholar. (I’ve read it – but I find parts of it deeply problematic. Long story; just me. I’m a skeptical empiricist. Though I do like how there are `rhyming ideas’ though. ie they `repeat everything, twice’, right? Good way to drum an idea into a reader. lol)

Anyway, suggest: give us some detail of the: Pestilence, War, Famine & Death. ie How are they actually manifest, in this story? What’s the `fresh angle’ on the cool apocalyptic Biblical mythology?

Eg – a random attempt (far from perfect)

“When a grieving coroner’s intern discovers a horrific and deadly pandemic virus, she falls in with a secret wiccan cult – and must resist induction into the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, battling the remaining three – War, Famine & Death – in order to save the world from the Last Judgement.”

So – loads of things clearly wrong with this, including: how long it is.

And – also – I probably just `broke the story’ here. LOL.

ie – My own take (which is not necessarily `right’) on such a concept might be that: some spectacular new `mutant pandemic virus’ (that: makes its victims’ blood turn to acid – and also literally boil inside their veins – and then – they explode, infecting everyone who thus, gets the virus on them – or: some-such unthinkable horror) is discovered in some dead people (in the autopsies).

ie `Pestilence’… But for some reason – this protagonist is immune – and once she’s inducted into the cult, maybe she can spread the virus just by breathing on people, or even spitting – like a venom-spitting cobra. (ie be cool also if her head turned into a snake-head temporarily, as he was the original metaphor for Satan in Genesis yeah?)

There is a fascinating doco on the History of the Devil here, actually.
History Of The Devil
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5mYFJ4irxM

Anyway, I do feel the judges really `nailed’ all the key issues with these Loglines and my opinion’s just: one opinion.

Also I happen to have a fascination for bushrangers. I wrote a horror-comedy zombie theatre play – (and spec feature film screenplay) – about The Ribbon Gang:
https://theabercrombiezombie.wordpress.com/

Anyway – this was very educational and edifying. Really brings some key issues about Loglines to the forefront of the thinking:

1) Short & punchy! (ie – everything my suggested Logline above: isn’t),

2) Give us a Character in an Intense Situation and make us ask: Wow – Then What Happens???” (ie Make us desperately curious and want to read the screenplay)

3) Hint very strongly at the Genre, from the events/objects/things/words mentioned/used. (eg suggesting: The `Supernatural Apocalyptic Horror’ Genre – say…)

Cheers, and thanks, The Story Dept!

Great stuff, as always.

JT Velikovsky
https://storyality.wordpress.com/