Hey Steve,
Thanks for taking the time. It is interesting the assumptions you make on the concept based on the synopsis. Most of the suggestions you have made regarding the actual concept and story are close but not exactly to what is in the series bible – but very close. So I won’t disagree with you there since they are sound story suggestions.

SInce I was after feedback on the synopsis itself – whther it makes it clear who the central character is, her “current” reality and that a change is about to take place, and who the villian is so to speak. The use of the voodoo motif is to imply what the obstacles might be – and considering your suggestions it seems it has made you imagine many possible situations (which I might add are close to what is actually in the series bible).

So if you have specifics on the synopsis structure rather that the concept itself I would love to hear them. By the way come to the party this Thursday at the city hotel: http://www.deadside.tv

Firstly, I see there too many details in this story that are unnecessary and ineffective. The foster brother and foster parents subtract value rather than add. I advise get rid of them entirely, even if it means some of your intended cast members are out of a role.

Secondly, why the Voodoo detail? Making Sara interested in Voodoo (or Wicca for that matter)degrades the story. It’s much harder to take the concept seriously if you have either in the story. [Both motifs are almost as overdone as vampires … PLEASE do not have vampire characters in this story!!!]

So far I’m assuming that this story is some drama or thriller type of picture (with a bit of fantasy thrown in). If, on the other hand, this is supposed to be a blatant send-up or satire movie, then you really need to radically change the tone of the synopsis to reflect this.

My suggested revision of this story would go like this: Keep Sara as some unpopular teenager who has dark & disturbing dreams she can not make sense of. Her parents, though loving and kind, cannot ‘get’ her and have no idea how to cope with her ‘episodes’.

Then arrives the messenger being [which, if I was directing this pic, I would make it unclear to the viewer – at least at first – if this entiity is ‘real’ or a delusion of Sara’s]. Give him a more serious name, such as “Bollsharn”.

Bollsharn tries to convince Sara [and the viewer] that he is real and that the threat of “Baron Sarmed” [name change deliberate] is imminent and world-shattering. Sarmed feeds off the doubts, negativity, fears, ignorance, etc of the collective majority [sort of like the “Great Nothing” in Never Ending Story]. And if he were to prevail, then art, inspiration, innovation, progress, etc would be snuffed out of the human race.

Sara could still be a latent “Onide” [potential warrior for the life-affirming side of the collective unconscious], but the image would be more her learning psychic karate than it would be her being a striaght ‘Buffy’ clone. Which is NOT to say that she would lack physical combat competency, only that stylistically her fighting technique would be, shall we say, the difference between a surgical scalpel versus a lumberjack’s axe. [You would be surprised how much more effective/impressive a character will come across to the viewer if she has less ‘biff-bang’ and more finesse against dark minions.]

If you are knowledgeable about Jungian psychology you can really make this story work with many deep layers – and wheels withing wheels – without having to have an American budget to make it. Kind of like an ‘Inception’, but without the crash-bang of vehicles and shoot-outs.

I don’t mean to shred your ‘baby’ heartlessly, but I do genuinely believe that the story could ultimately work … But only if you seriously rework the details you have in mind. Please accept my critique in the best possible spirit.

Good luck with it, David!

“Sara is a teenage girl obsessed with Voodoo. She hears voices and has weird dreams. Sara’s school friends make fun of her, her foster brother is a pervert and her foster parents want her committed.

Then one day a young man named Boli Shah contacts her. Shah warns her that she is in danger, that a man named Baron Samedi, guardian of the underworld, has risen into the world of the living and wants to bring about the end of days.

Sara is Ogunte, the warrior path to Yemalla. She is the only one who can cross over to deadside, she is the only one that can stop him.”

IN DEVELOPMENT: http://www.deadside.tv

PS I’ve just watched nothing happen for 100 odd minutes in ‘The Tree’.