by Trevor Mayes

Why all the profanity?

Because I got to listen to one of my favorite columnists — Manny Fonseca — who’s known for his foul-mouthed, yet brutally honest and insightful articles for The Business of Show Institute newsletter. I highly recommend subscribing to the free weekly newsletter if you haven’t already.

When not swearing up a blue streak, Manny is a development executive for Kopelson Entertainment (The Devil’s Advocate, U.S. Marshals), where he’s always on the lookout for the next big script.

A Rogues Gallery of Pitchers

His talk at the InkTip Sessions on Saturday revolved around what NOT to do when pitching your script. As a veteran of many pitch fests, Manny’s seen it all. Here are some of the “types” that he and other execs hope to never see again:

The A La Cart

This pitcher gets to the table and plops down his list of scripts, then asks Manny to pick the one he likes. If you’ve got a bunch of scripts, not all of them are going to be suitable (Hint: “No Christmas Movies!”). Just do your homework and pitch the one you think is best for his company.

The Marketeer

This is the guy who comes to the table and starts talking about how the movie should be marketed. Everything from the actors who should be cast, to the tagline on the poster. This guy’s never had a movie produced, but he’s going to tell Manny how to do his job? Really?

The Show and No Tell

At the last pitch fest I went to there was this duo at a table who had a flip-chart that seemed to show every weapon under the sun. The exec at the table didn’t know what to do with these guys. They sure knew their weapons, but their ponderous presentation distracted from the script itself. Just stick to selling your script with words. If you can’t do it at the table, how are you going to present it to a room of producers, studio execs, etc.? Same goes for homemade trailers of your script.

Just do your homework and pitch the one you think is best for his company.

The Repped Writer

You have an agent or manager? What the hell are you doing at a pitch fest? Odds are if you’re at a pitch fest, then you’re not really represented. You might be “hip-pocketed” but you’re not an actual client. Hip-pocketing means that the rep will be happy to take a commission for your script if the right buyer comes along, but you’re not on their official roster of clients whose careers they’re actively working to build. Odds are, if you mention that you’re repped, you don’t know the difference. And that’s a big red flag.

The “I got Drew Barrymore”/”I got James Franco”

(He gets those two a lot.) First of all, just because you had a conversation with an actor once, and they expressed a polite interest in your idea, doesn’t mean they’re interested enough to actually star in your movie. Even worse, any mentions of actors being attached are met with high levels of skepticism. Don’t say you’ve got someone attached if you don’t. Manny will just call the actor to verify. Yeah, he can do that. And does.

The Contest Finalist

Some people spend most of their time entering contests. Every. Single. One. Think you’re more enticing to Manny just because you’ve placed in the finals of the Spuzzum Film Festival? Think again. There are only a handful of script competitions that producers, managers and agents get excited about. And unless you’ve won one of those contests, it’s not worth mentioning. In my opinion, The Nicholl Fellowship might be the only one where a semi-finalist standing carries some weight — but even then, Manny’s probably not interested.

Any mentions of actors being attached are met with high levels of skepticism

The Too Many Scripts Guy

Writing a great script is a lot of hard work. Writing dozens of great scripts is a lifetime of hard work. If you tell Manny you’ve written 50 scripts, that doesn’t impress him. It just tells him that you don’t rewrite. Almost every great writer will tell you that writing is rewriting. If you’re simply cranking out script after script, without much thought to revision, you may lack the discipline or habits required to make it as a screenwriter. And your scripts are probably terrible.

The “Have Some Traction” Guy

This is the guy who tells you that he already has traction with Producer A or Director B. That’s great — so why aren’t you making the movie with them? If these other people are so keen, then why are you coming to Manny? Keep your tenuous connections to yourself and just pitch your movie.

The Used Car Salesman

One of the best pieces of advice when pitching your script is to “just be normal.” Easier said than done of course. But you definitely don’t want to come across as a used car salesman. You know the type. They come to a pitch fest with their snappy speech patterns and rehearsed lines. Don’t do that. Just have a normal conversation with the person you’re pitching to that showcases your passion for your script.

Keep your tenuous connections to yourself and just pitch your movie.

Other Useful Pitching Tips

Don’t be nervous

You’re probably pitching to an intern. You probably make more than they do.

Don’t tell them it’s your 8th draft

It may be the 2nd or 10th draft of your script, but the producer, director, manager, agent doesn’t need to know that. It needs to feel like it’s hot off the presses, like no one else in town has read your script. Being first to read a potentially brilliant script is cool. Trudging through a script that’s been circulating through the fringes of Hollywood for years — not so much.

Don’t follow-up about your script

If someone has asked to read your script, there’s no need to follow-up. If they like it/love it, they’ll get back in touch with you. If they haven’t had a chance to read your script yet, you may risk irritating them by getting in touch with them. You don’t know what’s been happening in their lives… whether their mother just died, or whether they’ve been on vacation for a month.

—

Did you fall into any of the categories above?

-Trevor Mayes

Trevor Mayes is a screenwriter, script consultant, and cat whisperer who absolutely loves movies.

Through his website Scriptwrecked he has helped dozens of screenwriters, at all levels, improve their craft.

Jamie Campbell

Jamie Campbell is an author, screenwriter, and television addict.

Jamie is proud to be an Editor for The Story Department.

Her latest series Project Integrate is out now.

jamiecampbell.com.au

by Trevor Mayes

Prom Date

Here’s a quick metaphor to illustrate what I’m trying to say…

STUDENT

Is my prom date’s dress hot or what?

CONCERNED FRIEND

I guess. But dude, your date is a chimp.

STUDENT

Okay now you’re just being rude.

CONCERNED FRIEND

No, I mean your date is literally a chimpanzee. Does your dad work for the circus or something?

STUDENT

The zoo.

CONCERNED FRIEND

Ah.

Awkward silence.

STUDENT

Smokin’ hot dress though, right?

It doesn’t matter how hot your scenes are, if your script is a chimp!

5 Things

Here are five BIG things you should sweat over, long before worrying about things like correct formatting, clever descriptions or upping the tension in a particular scene:

Concept

Concept is probably the most important aspect of your script. If you have a fantastic one, readers/producers will be more likely to forgive minor problems.

When you tell people about your concept, do they ooh and ahh? Do their eyes light up? If it’s a comedy, do they smile or laugh? Do they immediately connect with the material. Make sure you have a winning concept before you start writing your screenplay.

True story. I once had a woman pitch me the following sole movie concept: “It’s about a black Hollywood producer who has a small dick.” FAIL!

Concept is probably the most important aspect of your script.

Character Motivations

By the time a reader reaches the second act of your script, he/she should be able to answer at least two fundamental questions. The first one is: “What does the protagonist want?” Make sure the answer to this question is clear and primal.

“My protagonist is just kinda going with the flow at this stage of the script.” FAIL!

Rooting Interest for Your Main Character

The second question a reader should be able to answer by the start of the second act is: “What do I want for the protagonist?” Depending on your story, this may, or may not, be the same thing as what the protagonist wants. But either way, at this stage, the reader should be rooting for your main character(s).

Moreover the reader should have an implicit understanding of where the story is going, and care about that direction.

READER: “I hate the protagonist, so I don’t care if he finds his lost doughnut… not that I would have been at all interested in that anyway.” FAIL!

At this stage, the reader should be rooting for your main character.

Overarching Story

Have you provided a solid structure and an engaging plot?

Do cool or powerful things happen in your story? Have you fulfilled the promise of the premise? Have you executed a story that maximizes the potential of the concept? Thrilled the audience? Shown them something they’ve never seen before, or in a way they’ve never seen it?

“Yes, it’s a global apocalypse movie, but we learn what happens through first person accounts only. It takes place entirely in one interview room.” FAIL!

Theme

Is your movie about something? The movies that leave an impact on us are the ones that teach us something, or, at the very least, have something to say that will resonate with audiences. Something specific.

“The theme is danger.” FAIL!

***

Do you have all of these bases covered in your script? Or are you taking a chimp in a pretty dress to prom?

Any “big stuff” you would add to the list?

-Trevor Mayes

Trevor Mayes is a screenwriter, script consultant, and cat whisperer who absolutely loves movies.

Through his website Scriptwrecked he has helped dozens of screenwriters, at all levels, improve their craft.

Photo Credits: Stock XChng

Jamie Campbell

Jamie Campbell is an author, screenwriter, and television addict.

Jamie is proud to be an Editor for The Story Department.

Her latest series Project Integrate is out now.

jamiecampbell.com.au

by Trevor Mayes

(Note: This post has little to do with the development phase where you’re incorporating notes from executives. It deals with the rewriting phase of your script where the only people who have seen it are friends, family, peers, script consultants, etc.)

5 Things to Consider When Incorporating Feedback

1. Does it resonate with you?

If the note you receive on your script doesn’t make sense to you, you should never incorporate it. There has to be some recognition of its inherent validity for it to be considered. Never follow a note blindly, no matter who’s giving it to you.

2. Is everyone saying the same thing?

While it’s important to stay true to your artistic vision, ultimately you want a script that appeals to your audience. If you consistently get the same note back from your respected readers, you need to seriously consider incorporating it.

Never follow a note blindly.

3. Does it hint at an underlying or alternate problem?

Suppose you’re absolutely sure that some story beat needs to stay in your script, yet your readers keep flagging it. It’s entirely possible that the setup to the beat, or some other aspect of the scene or script needs tweaking. Part of your job is to read between the lines of what people are saying.

4. Are you resistant to a suggestion because of the work involved in correcting it?

Sometimes we’ll bristle at a suggestion, and immediately think, “No frikken way!”. Usually that happens when the suggestion involves a major change.

When you receive such a note, take a deep breath, let the feedback wash over you for a couple of days, then try to evaluate it as dispassionately and honestly as you can.

If you decide the feedback is valid, it might take you a few extra weeks, even months, to rewrite your script, but that’s a much better alternative than hoping no one else will see the problem… because I promise you they will. You’ve come this far, you might as well give your script the best chance of selling.

Sometimes we’ll bristle at a suggestion, and immediately think, “No frikken way!”

5. Who’s giving you the note?

If you’ve just written a raunchy teenage comedy and your grandma thinks some of the lines are too offensive… you should probably take that with a grain of salt.

But that’s an easy call. Often you’ll have peers who are accomplished in one particular genre, but may not have expertise in your genre. Or maybe you’ve given them harsh criticism on their last script and they’ve been itching for some payback.

On the other side of things, if someone who’s been around the block for a number of years tells you something that no one else has told you, it’s possible they’re bang on with their feedback and they’ve seen something that more casual readers have missed.

Either way, make sure you run the feedback through all five of these litmus tests before you start incorporating it. And remember, no one knows your story better than you do.

-Trevor Mayes

Trevor Mayes is a screenwriter, script consultant, and cat whisperer who absolutely loves movies.

Through his website Scriptwrecked he has helped dozens of screenwriters, at all levels, improve their craft.

Photo Credits: Stock XChng

Jamie Campbell

Jamie Campbell is an author, screenwriter, and television addict.

Jamie is proud to be an Editor for The Story Department.

Her latest series Project Integrate is out now.

jamiecampbell.com.au

by Trevor Mayes

Why?

– Humans are visual — we learn things more quickly and readily by seeing.
– Showing is quicker than telling — after all, a picture says a thousand words right? Screen time is precious. The quicker you can convey the necessary information, the better.

Show, don’t tell is an important rule for the screenwriter to follow. Each of the following scenarios, presents different challenges:

Dialogue

Usually the show, don’t tell rule means that you should eliminate clunky, artificial, “on the nose” dialogue that tells us what a character is feeling in a direct way. Instead, try to write action that shows us.

In an episode of ABC’s Flash Forward, Mark (Joseph Feinnes), and his wife Olivia (Sonya Walger), each say to each other: “I trust you.” However, when Olivia exits moments later, Mark throws something across the room. He doesn’t trust her. And by allowing his actions to speak louder than his words, the scene feels more authentic.

It was a prime example of show, don’t tell and is one of the seven ways to ensure your scenes are lean and mean.

Allowing his actions to speak louder than his words, the scene feels more authentic.

Scene Description

If you’re describing something on screen, that ensures you’re showing and not telling, right? Well, not necessarily.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of describing something, without telling us how that translates to what we see on screen. An example of BAD writing:

Marlene exits the elevator overwhelmed with thoughts of her heated conversation that morning with Chad.

That may work in a novel, but what the heck am I seeing on screen? Does she wander around like a zombie? Does she clench her fists? Do tears well up in her eyes? As much as possible try to write descriptions that allows us to divine a character’s emotions from what we see.

(Note: Be careful not to get too detailed with your actions. Capture the moment succinctly, and in a way that doesn’t lock the actor and director in a box of specificity.)

Similarly, when describing settings, don’t skimp on the description. An example of BAD or limited writing:

Van Helsing approaches a spooky castle.

Spooky, on its own, doesn’t tell us too much. What makes it spooky? Do ghosts of dead monkeys soar overhead? Does blood drip down the stone walls? Does a hollow-faced girl with a missing arm and red eyes glare at him from the tower? Make sure to paint the appropriate word pictures (and again, don’t get lost describing every little detail).

It’s easy to fall into the trap of describing something, without telling us how that translates to what we see on screen.

Flashbacks

While using extensive flashbacks in your script is frowned upon (they tend to slow down the pacing and momentum of your story) it’s a much better option than burdening your script with pages and pages of dialogue to accomplish the same thing.

However, if you’re considering a flashback scene, first ask yourself a few questions:

Is it necessary?
If I have a character who’s a 50 year old drug addict and the story deals with his recovery and redemption, do I really need to show the audience the scene where he smokes his first joint? If the scene isn’t offering new information, or surprising revelations, then it should probably be scrapped.

Is it going to take less time to tell?
Don’t create an elaborate flashback just for some tiny piece of information you need to get across. A clever single line of dialogue can do the same thing. Of course, it depends on the story you’re trying to tell, but having a line like: “My father was some kind of war hero” — is probably more efficient than showing a multi-million dollar sequence where the protagonist’s father storms the beaches of Normandy and destroys three Nazi bunkers.

Is it going to break the fictive spell of my movie?
Since we live in linear time, a flashback has the potential to remove a viewer’s suspension of disbelief.

Is it going to make my movie feel disjointed?
Jumping around in time can be jarring to an audience. Care must be taken to orient the audience as quickly as possible following a flashback. You don’t want the viewer (or more importantly, the script reader) to feel like your story is hard to follow.

Is it funny?
Sometimes it’s all about the laugh. Some of the best scenes in Austin Powers III — Goldmember, were the flashback scenes with the young Austin Powers and Dr. Evil. If there’s a hysterical gag that requires a flashback and fits within the construct of your storytelling objective — go for it!

What About Voiceovers Chump?

Voiceover narration, by definition, is telling, not showing, and is usually considered the hallmark of lazy writing. However, voiceover narration has been handled to great effect in many movies and is therefore a topic of discussion for another time, along with other instances where it’s okay to break the rule…

-Trevor Mayes

Trevor Mayes is a screenwriter, script consultant, and cat whisperer who absolutely loves movies.

Through his website Scriptwrecked he has helped dozens of screenwriters, at all levels, improve their craft.

Photo Credits: Stock XChng

Jamie Campbell

Jamie Campbell is an author, screenwriter, and television addict.

Jamie is proud to be an Editor for The Story Department.

Her latest series Project Integrate is out now.

jamiecampbell.com.au