black list – The Story Department

Writing loglines is an essential skill for screenwriters, from early development through to the pitch. In this section, we review the loglines and short synopses of the screenplays that made it into the Blacklist 2012. Learn from the feedback and perfect your own loglining skills.

by The Judges

ALL NIGHTER

“An aging hitman goes up against his boss over a single night in order to protect his family.”

Steven Fernandez: Firstly, I can see this story having the depth and engaging tone of redemption that was in Clint Eastwood’s “Gran Torino” (2008). In fact, potentially, this story could even be better than ‘Torino’ … Depending on how well written the hitman character is and how well conflicted his loyalties become.

“The logline nicely draws up the stakes and risks involved.”

The logline nicely draws up the stakes (his family) and risks involved (his age, opposing his powerful former boss). High marks there.

I don’t have any real criticisms against this logline. It is succinct and intriguing.

Cameron: The only issue I have with this logline is the reason why he has to protect is family. Maybe add the catalyst, the inciting incident that propels this story of master versus apprentice over a single night.

JO-JO RABBIT

“After being severely hurt by a grenade at a Hitler youth camp, a prideful and nationalistic ten-year old boy discovers that his mother is hiding a fifteen year old Jewish girl in their house.”

Steven Fernandez: Firstly, I think the period the story is set in is rather dated. Much the same moral conflict could have been set in, say, Iraq of the nineties or 2000-02. Or even present day North Korea. (Or, if an European setting is somehow important, then any of the Balkan conflicts of the nineties.)

Secondly, I think it would be more dramatically effective if the boy was a more ‘lethal’ and cunning age. Say, fourteen plus.

Thirdly, the grenade accident subtracts, rather than adds, dramatic value. Better the boy is quite capable of killing or hauling the girl to authorities, if he wants to. I see no value in the accident at either logline or story level.

“The conflict of loyalties that the boy will face. This is where the emphasis of both the logline and the story should be.”

The boy faces an interesting and potentially engaging conflict of loyalties, however (between his mother and his political ideology). The logline could have more sharply focused on this. This aspect is interesting and has the potential to make a reader pause and seriously consider this concept.

While it might be tempting to hint at romantic or attraction potential between the boy and girl (for example, by describing the girl as “pretty” or similar), I would advise against it. Mainly because that angle is so cliche and predictable. Much more surprising would be the boy being so blinded by ideology that he sees her as more animal than human.

On balance, despite several things that should be jettisoned off this story, it has one core strong point: The conflict of loyalties that the boy will face. This is where the emphasis of both the logline and the story should be.

Cameron: The first half of the logline seems irrelevant to the second. What has the protagonist being injured by a grenade have to do with him discovering the Jewish girl in his house? It might make more sense in the screenplay, but there is no clear link in the logline.

By describing the protagonist as prideful and nationalistic, it sets up a clear character arc considering the genre and tone it’s set in.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.

The Judges (click for details)

Logline it! – Black List – Week 11

Cameron Pattison — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 09:15:14 +0000

by The Judges

FROM NEW YORK TO FLORIDA

“An undisciplined boy is sent to Florida for the summer with his grandparents, and the drive south changes him forever.”

Steven Fernandez: While the story could potentially be a quality drama, the logline is flat and tells the reader nothing interesting or distinctive about this story. A harsh reader could be forgiven for dismissing this as just a road movie with geriatrics, and then move on. Less of the mild wording and more of hinting at intriguing aspects are required here.

“The protagonist could be described more interestingly than just being an “undisciplined boy”

For a start, some hint that the grandparents aren’t stereotypical ‘old cogers’ would be a real plus here. For example, that the grandpa is actually a professor going to Florida to give a lecture.

Secondly, the protagonist could be described more interestingly than just being an “undisciplined boy”. Ideally, there should be a hint of both capability, yet unruliness, with the lad. For example, a “spoilt prodigy”, or less extremely, a “difficult yet driven boy”. Giving the lad both positive and negative sides suddenly suggests unusal depth in both the character and the story.

Finally, just saying that the drive will ‘change him forever’ is too weak and generic (not to mention cliche). Again, some hint of how this drive will be significant would help. For example, “And the drive south will force him to understand consequences” (or “not take life for granted” or “take responsibility” or similar).

On balance, this logline is badly bland. It majorly fails to sell what might well be a well-written script.

Cameron: The logline establishes the central characters (albeit in an undescriptive, bland way) and implies a vague character journey through a road trip. If this is a character journey without any real external goals, the boy needs to be described in a way that the reader can get a sense of the inner-character transformation. ‘Undisciplined’ could still be used but throw on an adjective, something that the boy must overcome internally.

“If this is a character’s inner journey with no real external goal driving the story, there needs to be a strong character flaw”

‘The drive south changes him forever…” Maybe hint at whatever it is that the boy encounters along the way without being so vague. Some sort of antagonist force he must face, something that challenges the boy’s flaw.

BLACK BOX

“When Air Force One crashes, a journalist discovers a cover up after gaining access to the plane’s black box data and must unravel the mystery.”

Cameron: Set up. Check. Protagonist. Check. Goal… There but vague. This journalist who is probably obsessed, ( should be in the logline) must uncover a ‘mystery’. Mystery is fine to use to keep twists hidden until you read the screenplay, but at least add what’s at stake to the logline. E.g “Journalist must unravel the mystery before (stakes)…”

“Mystery is fine to use to keep twists hidden but at least add what’s at stake to the logline”

It might be worth mentioning that in the screenplay, the journalist’s wife was on board the plane when it crashed. That should be in the logline. It would add greater dramatic impact and emotional resonance when read, so the protagonist isn’t just some random journalist.

Steven Fernandez: This scores good points for a very dramatic set up (the crashing of Air Force One), but the logline fails to excite the reader beyond that point (which is a real shame). Yes, a conspiracy is hinted at. And, yes, it’s an easy implication that there are likely to be suited agents out to “eliminate” the journalist. But the logline really should not have missed the opportunity to tell a little about the calibre of these agents. For example, “When … crashes, a journalist discovers a cover up. He must unravel the mystery before a ruthless and efficient black ops squad silences him forever.”

The words about the black box could easily be cut in preference to telling more about the stakes and the hunting agents.

I also have a technical quibble about how a journo’ would know how to interprete black box data in the first place. Isn’t this the expertise of a technician or engineer? Not a difficult point to fix, however. And not critical to the effectiveness of the logline.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.

The Judges (click for details)

Logline it! – Black List – Week 10

Cameron Pattison — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 07:59:03 +0000

by The Judges

MURDER CITY

“An ensemble crime story set in Detroit about an ex-con who goes back for one last heist in order to settle his family’s debt.”

Steven Fernandez: As Karel would say, ensemble stories are tricky beasts that are best left till when you are quite expert in your screenwriting craft. But, even leaving that aside, this concept lacks any great appeal as it is stated.

Most importantly, the idea of an ex-con coming back into crime – even if “for one last time” – smacks of compulsion or giving into old bad habits, rather than, say, someone making a character-challenging sacrifice for some noble reason. (I actually think a better set up is for the ex-con to make efforts to prevent a son or cousin from falling into criminal life, with the motif of atonement that that could entail.)

“There are many reasons why his family could be in debt, and not all of those reasons would create EMPATHY for the character.”

While the logline hints at a possibly noble motivation (clearing family debt), it fails to tease much sympathy from the reader for the ex-con. Put it this way: There are many reasons why his family could be in debt, and not all of those reasons would create empathy for the character. It makes a big difference, for example, if the debt has arisen due to beer, gambling and smoking versus the family’s attempt to give a chronically ill daughter or neice an experimental medical treatment. By leaving the cause of the debt indeterminate, the reader is left ambivalent and also left making his or her own guesses about the quality of the ex-con’s motivation. (Not a smart move: A logline should close off the opportunities for a reader to make a negative guess about what is not made clear.)

So, at a minimum, we need to be told a little more (somehow) of why the ex-con is worthy of our empathy and why this heist is not just going to be just another ‘job’ for him – like all the others he has done in the past. (For example, is he starting to suffer Parkinson’s disease? If so, suddenly it’s clear that this whole enterprise is significantly riskier for him.)

Karel Segers: Steven has done the in-depth analysis. Here are my key issues:

1) “Ensemble crime story” is all about genre; it doesn’t tell us anything about the story.
2) “One last heist” has been done so many times I doubt there will be an audience for this.
3) I’m not getting what is unique about this story. As such, the logline doesn’t do a very good job.

WHIPLASH

“Under the director of a prestigious but borderline abusive instructor, a young college student begins to lose his humanity in his quest to become the core drummer of the top jazz orchestra in the country.”

Steven Fernandez: Firstly, the wording of this logline is teeth-achingly clunky.

Secondly, it’s a hugely improbable stretch to believe that one’s humanity could be lost just by being an instrument player for any orchestra. (In “Black Swan” the sheer physical demands of being a premier ballerina made loss of humanity a credible possibility. But not here.)

“It’s a hugely improbable stretch to believe that one’s humanity could be lost just by being an instrument player.”

Fundamentally, the dynamic of ‘bad ass’ instructor and young trainee can certainly work. But not in this setting. A better setting would be either military training or medical school. Or, perhaps, some kind of cutting edge and risky scientific research.

Cameron: From the logline we get a protagonist with a clear goal of becoming the core drummer of a top jazz orchestra and a mentor character who seems to double as the antagonist (if ‘abusive’ indicates this) in the form of the protagonist’s instructor.

“Humanity could be swapped with the characters flaw and how it is affecting his ability to achieve his goal.”

As Steven mentioned, the ‘lose of humanity’ aspect doesn’t quite fit. Maybe ‘humanity’ could be swapped with the characters flaw and how it is affecting his ability to achieve his goal seeing as though the story seems to focus on an inner journey from the logline.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

To read the full reviews and those from casual visitors, go to www.loglineit.com.

The Judges (click for details)

Logline it! – Black List 2012 – Week 9

Cameron Pattison — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 08:50:06 +0000

by The Judges

DRAFT DAY

“On the day of the NFL Draft, Bills General Manager Sonny Weaver has the opportunity to save football in Buffalo when he trades for the number one pick. He must quickly decide what he’s willing to sacrifice in pursuit of perfection as the lines between his personal and professional life become blurred.”

Steven Fernandez: The logline is clunky but the set up seems quite different from the norm for a football movie. So I think there is potential here. The protagonist, however, is hard to sympathise with as stated – since he seems to be on the cold side. But this point can be easily fixed by emphasising his desire to resuscitate his low profile town. In addition, one positive thing about the protagonist is that he does not seem to be the straightforward former-player-macho-bonehead stereotype.

“The protagonist, as stated, is hard to sympathise with since he seems to be cold as ice.”

So here’s a logline suggestion: “To resurrect the flagging fortunes of his beloved home town, Sonny daringly drives his football club to buy up the number one pick of the NFL Draft. But the pick is hotly contested property and the cost on Sonny’s personal life will be high.”

Steveylang: The actual plot conflict is only vaguely described here. What does he have to sacrifice and why? What is being blurred and why? It’s not at all obvious why having a first round draft pick would cause all these problems, you have to tell us.

“The actual plot conflict is only vaguely described.”

It’s a very intriguing start (makes me think of Moneyball) but I have no idea what actually happens in the movie.

GEORGE

“When an acerbic alcoholic finds himself penniless and alone he has no choice but to crash his family’s holiday. Years of alienating them makes for a stiff challenge, but eventually he subtly helps them heal.”

Nicholasandrewhalls: I have a concern about the vagueness of the logline.

What is the event that makes him realize how broke and alone he has become? Because if he’s acerbic and has been alienating his family for years, why would he suddenly go: “You know what I need? To be around my family.” What does he go to them for? Money, or companionship?

“If he’s a very passive protagonist, you need to make clearer the antagonistic force.”

What then is he doing once he’s with the family? Just kind of hanging around? If he’s a very passive protagonist, you need to make clearer the antagonistic force he’s going to face during the film, along with a clear indication of the stakes of failure in whatever he’s actually doing.

The hook seems to be there – an alcoholic spends a holiday with his estranged family – so you’ve got that much clear.

Richiev: Interesting idea. There does seem to be a problem with the logline however.

In the first part you set up the problem, He is penniless and alone. Then at the end you present a solution, He helps his family heal.
Those two plot points are not related. There doesn’t seem to be a connection from the problem to the solution.

” The second line seems to come out of nowhere.”

If his family helped him overcome his alcoholism, then the first part and the second part would relate but instead the second line seems to come out of nowhere.

Still, this does seem to be a good idea; along the lines of home for the holidays. With a few changes the logline should be able to reflect the story better.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?