In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
Redemption
“A young woman is desperate to find out whether her step-father murdered her clinically depressed mother. But the only person who knows the truth is the killer himself.”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “Not a compelling premise as stated. Better would be to have the protagonists mother disappear in ‘suspicious circumstances,’ in the company of her step-father, who emerged un-scathed from the incident. And then have (say) a forest hermit/wacko as the one who may have witnessed the mother’s death.”
Not a compelling premise.
Jack: “We are not seeing the danger that obviously lurks in the film. The logline needs ramping up to refelct this. Is the young woman’s life in danger as she investigates? If so, that should be in the logline.”
The logline needs ramping up.
Robin: “Brilliant. Clear main character and journey and a potentially big obstacle in the way.”
Inner Battle
“Two world-class cage fighters find themselves entangled in a secret, gay love affair with one another. Risking all they’ve battled for, with devastating consequences and a powerful climax.”
The judges’ verdict:
Jack: “‘Devastating consequences,’ is ok, but telling us there is a powerful climax is a bit weak. We expect, in fact we demand, that a film of this nature has a powerful climax. “
…telling us there is a powerful climax is a bit weak.
Nina: “I would omit the second sentence and replace it with a description of what the life and death risks of getting found out are for them. The ‘powerful climax,’ should be in our imagination once we know what they are up against- no need to tell us.”
The ‘powerful climax,’ should be in our imagination once we know what they are up against.
Robin: “Brilliant- Despite the annoying hyperbole. Two people in love against huge odds in an original story is more than enough to intrigue me.”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot
Both loglines need to pay attention to grammar and smooth writing. The first one’s second sentence feels very choppy. It would be better to put a dash between the two and stick with one sentence. In the second one, the second set of words ending with a period is not a sentence, but a phrase. To improve: something like “To , they risk all they’ve battled for – with devastating effects. Better yet: give us a clue as to what the devastating effects are.