In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
Wonderland
“Everyone’s mad here. There’s bound to be a murder or two.”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “Potentially interesting setting, especially if the place is, in fact, ‘Wonderland,’ of Alice fame. (If so, the logline should more explicitly reference Wonderland rather than leaving it vague). However we are told nothing about the protagonist who- presumably- will be entering Wonderland. He or she need not necessarily be related to Alice, but we need to be told something (interesting) about him or her.”
We are told nothing about the protagonist.
Jack: “This logline describes an interesting setting, but tells us nothing about the protagonist or the story. How about, ‘In a world of insanity, a (protagonsit) tries to (the goal he must achieve or the obstacle he must overcome), knowing that murder is just around the corner. “
Tells us nothing about the protagonist or the story.
Robin: “I admire the confidence where it’s thought a line of dialogue would sell a script but – even if it is truly brilliant – I need character and story.”
Ceased to Exist
“After years away, lonely Darren Ashcroft returns to his tiny home village to win back his childhood sweetheart only to be told that she never existed.”
The judges’ verdict:
Jack: “This is very intriguing, and tweaking the logline will make it even more intriguing. Don’t use the character’s name. Give him a brief description. How about ‘After a long absence, a lonely young man returns to his tiny village to win back his childhood sweetheart… only to find that she never existed.”
Don’t use the character’s name. Give him a brief description.
Steven: “Too many films have already been made about the guy or gal who returns back to his home town to win back his/her old sweetheart. The first 80% of this sentence is boringly familiar. At a minimum the logline should have read ‘Darren returns home to find Sarah. But everyone denies that she ever existed.’ THAT much is intriguing.”
The first 80% of this sentence is boringly familiar.
Meg: “The concept is interesting but the genre isn’t clear, nor is the setting. But the mystery of what may or may not have happened in the past is a reasonble hook.”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot