In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
Flexed
“Callum Whitaker is your average 17 year old- and that’s the problem, especially for someone who will stop at nothing to get the perfect body.”
The judges’ verdict:
Jack: “I think that it is better not to name the character in the logline. Just briefly describe him or her. Also we need a hint about the consequences of Callum’s obsession. How about ‘An average 17 year old strives to achieve the perfect body…with devastating consequences.’ If it is a comedy, then something a little less dramatic. “
We need a hint about the consequences of Callum’s obsession
Steven: “This is an average logline- especially when it stops to tell us nothing interesting! Why make Callum merely average for his age- where’s the interest in that? He wants a perfect body does he? But we are not told anything specific about what extreme or macabre lengths he is prepared to go to get that body. At least hint that much to the reader. “
Why make Callum merely average…where’s the interest in that?
Meg: “Can see this concept has potential in a Ferris Bueller kind of a way, but the logline evades what’s at stake as to why would an average teen do this?”
Fatlady
“A group of kids make friends with a house with talking walls and learn about its last owner Dominic Fatlady who stole the towns money but which was never recovered.”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “Presumably a kids film. But, even within the limits of that genre, this is a most uninteresting story. A house with talking walls and a hidden treasure is viable. But ditch the ‘Fatlady’ concept- that element adds nothing to value. Better to play up the hidden treasure angle. An old story idea, but still a workable one.”
This is a most uninteresting story
Nina: “This movie could be cute but the logline would be more compelling if it included a clear goal with obstacles and stakes that the kids must face. The grammar and construction of the logline need attention.”
Would be more compelling if it included a clear goal with obstacles and stakes
Jack: “A house with talking walls sounds fun. When using a group it is a good idea to pick a lead character. Maybe ‘When a young boy (or girl) and his friends discover a house with talking walls, they learn about a terrible crime that affected the whole town and …”
Meg: “This concept has potential in a Ferris Bueller kind of a way but the logline evades what’s at stake as to why would an average teen do this?”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot