In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
On the Run
“This is the story of a beautiful halfbreed Indian girl who was looking for an adventure, and a poker playing cowboy wanted by the law.”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “The set-up is rather trite. Seems like a varient of Pocahontas, only with the native girl, in this instance, being too passive. Much better would be if the card-sharp cowboy runs out into the wilderness, into the lands that the girl calls home. That way she can be a more impressive figure- i.e a native guide to him, rather than his card table accessory. Or even better than that, she could be a bounty hunter tracking him. “
Seems like a varient of Pocahontas, only
with the native girl… being too passive
Jack: “Loglines that begin with ‘This is the story…’ don’t work for me. Neither does the use of the past tense. Also we don’t know the consequences of this pairing. How about ‘When an adventurous, beautiful half-breed Indian girl teams up with a poker-playing outlaw cowboy…’. “
Loglines that begin with ‘This is the story…’ don’t work for me.
Robin: “There’s no story. If I were to guess the story, I’d guess stereotypical characters and plots we’ve seen many time before when it might not be. The term ‘halfbreed’ is offensive.”
Loss and Found
“A quirky romantic comedy about a girl who knows everything about death and nothing about life.”
The judges’ verdict:
Phyllis: “Love this concept immediately. My kind of flick – if written well obviously. Instantly pictured the tone and style of the film – something akin to Amelie and perhaps a little Bridesmaids thrown in for a little sass. If death is treated in a very black-comedy style – not morose or, dare I say it, bleak – this could be a winner. I’m guessing this is a love story – love would need to be the essential ingredient for this story to really work.”
Instantly pictured the tone and style of the film
Adrian: “Sounds like a nice coming-of-age film. However, instead of saying that it’s a romantic comedy, give us an idea about the quirkiness. And how about something about her love interest. A romantic comedy is after all about how the two lovers change and change each other. ”
Give us an idea about the quirkiness
Steven: “We need to know more about this girl to care about her. Especially the less ‘loser’ sides of her. Her knowing too much about death sounds way too loser-like in the first instance.”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot
lame.