In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
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Spheres
“I examine the idea that Angels make worlds through a game known as ‘Marbles,’ in their free time.”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “I wish that I did not have to examine this idea as it is marbles. If this is meant to be some ultra-spoofy comedy, then better to have the story about some retired and doting gods who play ‘marbles,’ (lawn bowls?) with planets… and planet Earth is now being marked for play. Throw in a bumbling but likeable mortal protagonist and you will then have a viable ultra-spoof.”
Throw in a bumbling but likeable mortal protagonist
Jack: “This doesn’t tell us who the protagonist is or what the story is about. All we are told about is the intriguing world made be Angles. Why not start with ‘In a series of worlds made by Angles playing a board game a…’ ”
Doesn’t tell us…what the story is about
Robin: “Doesn’t interest me personally. I can’t begin to guess what the story could be. Although it is original, it’s possible to be too original.”
Yesternight
“After a young Debutante witnesses a murder she becomes unlikely allies with a criminal Teddy Girl as they battle London’s most ruthless crime boss.”
The judges’ verdict:
Adrian: “I am wondering why witnessing a murder would compel the Debutante to take on the crime boss. Unless there is some personal connection to the murder victim. Something about the inciting incident and her motivation to do battle with the crime boss would be helpful.”
Something about the inciting incident and her motivation…
would be helpful.”
Steven: “This concept could work, but is poorly sold by this logline. Importantly, the Debutante must be denied her chance to hide behind her upper class privileges to protect herself. For example, ‘A sweet, young Debutante is framed for a murder by London’s most ruthless crime boss. Only by joining forces with a dirty, scrawny street girl can she clear her name.'”
This concept could work, but is poorly sold by this logline
Jack: “This is good. It succinctly summarises the story, introduces two unlikely allies and by telling us they are up against London’s most ruthless crime boss we know the stakes are high.”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot
Thank you for reviewing my logline for Yesternight. I find writing loglines very hard, so thank you for your insight. Perhaps the following is a little better?
In 1955, a young Debutante is sole witness to murder and must enlist the help of another criminal, his niece, to help her get to safety. But the killer is on their trail and he’ll stop at nothing to silence them.
Great to see you improve on the initial logline!
Why not submit it to http://loglineit.com/ where the readers can give their comments…
Also an opportunity for you to give your personal feedback to your peers.
Thank you for stopping by!