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In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
Medium
“A drug addict and a devoutly religious woman, inextricably bound by individual tragedies, must overcome their respective addictions to find new meaning for their lives.”
The judges’ verdict:
Jack: “This sounds like an interesting story, but calling religion an addiction might lose you the religious audience. Maybe the woman has to lose her narrow minded views or relax her bigotry.”
…calling religion an addiction might lose you the religious audience
Steven: “We have a juxtaposition that is not credible here: A pious woman “inextricably bound” to a drug addict? Doubtful premise on its own … Now, if the addict is her SON, then we have a credible drama happening here. But not between two people who have zero obvious connection with each other. ”
A pious woman “inextricably bound” to a drug addict? Doubtful premise on its own
Adrian: “How are the lives and the stories of the drug addict and religious woman connected? ”
Time to Pass Go
Singleton Jo, 30, is dealt a lucky card: she wins a dream romantic holiday for two to Paris. The only person she can take is her over-sexed, high-on-HRT mum, Margaret.
The judges’ verdict:
Dave: “I know the main character and what kind of obstacles she will face, so there is conflict. The inciting incident is clear and I can see from the tone of the logline that there will be comedy. I do wonder why Jo would not take somebody else – the only person she ‘can’ take is a little problematic – I’m not sure if she really would choose her mum to go with her, that’s my only issue, the believability and would I empathise with somebody who would put themselves into that situation. If there is a real reason for her going, and I could accept it, then good. But I like the logline. ”
The inciting incident is clear and I can see from the tone of the logline that there will be comedy
Phyllis: “Sounds very familiar. But could be funny if the script isn’t just one punchline after another. A big dose of pathos is needed – why is Margaret the way she is, really? Is she really just the butt of all the script jokes? Danger of being a farce nobody’s going to really care about. ”
…could be funny if the script isn’t just one punchline after another
Jack: “It probably doesn’t need the phrase “is dealt a lucky card”. And the fact that her companion is her mother could use a little build up. How about – “When a thirty-something woman wins a romantic holiday for two in Paris the only person she can take should be disqualified for three reasons – she is over-sexed, she is high on HRT and she is her mother”. ”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot
I think Jack is spot-on with his assessment. His re-write of the logline is great, and he “gets” the concept, unlike Phyllis, who seems to be more concerned about how the script may or may not be delivered. She offered very little regarding the logline or the concept, besides it being “familiar”.
The questions Dave asks are quite possibly the type of questions a producer may ask him/herself when reading the logline. This is the intrigue factor. Whether or not there is enough intrigue to make them want to read further- that is the ultimate question. For the record, if the writer says “only person” in the logline, I’m going to assume that question is asked and answered in the first ten pages, or else it’s in the cirular file, baby!