The Judges – Circalit Loglines (4)

In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.

by The Judges

India Ink

“In 1905 an Indian nanny travels to Britain with the family that employs her, but when her affair with the husband is revealed, she is cast out.”

The judges’ verdict:

Nina: “The logline doesn’t contain enough to hook me. What is the genre? When does the story start- when she has the affair or when she is cast out? The logline feels incomplete because we don’t know her goal, or what she must overcome in order to realize it.”

” When does the story start-
when she has the affair or when she is cast out?”  

Steven: “Not a compelling premise. Nannies (or babysitters) having affairs with husbands is so cliché. Potentially a white woman being cast out on her own in 1905 India could be a compelling premise on its own. But even so, the logline should pay emphasis to what her steep challenges would be (e.g being a woman in an undeveloped society).”

” Nannies (or babysitters) having affairs with husbands is so cliché.”  

Hannah: “There is no promise of what will happen after the nanny is cast out. In this sense the logline tells us too much, or not enough about the subsequent events to capture the story.”

On the Corner if Rue St. Aloise And Ru Du Cheval:

November 1944, Strasbourg, France. A soldier wakes up with amnesia. The only thing he remembers- his duty to deliver a package”

The judges’ verdict:

Dave: “There is a definite goal here, to deliver a package, and also a setting, though I don’t know why a soldier has to do it, and if he doesn’t know, why either; then the story could amble on- why should he care?”

“There is a definite goal here…”  

    Steven: “Genuinely dramatic setting. Though the character’s predicament is not set up well. If he has too much amnesia, then what is too stop him from wandering around Strasbourg aimlessly? A better scenario is that he wakes up after a botched insertion behind enemy lines. He does not need any amnesia then, and will have plenty of compelling antagonists to contend with.”

“…the character’s predicament is not set up well.”  

Meg: “Why do we need to know it’s November? Or even Strasbourg? 1944 France gives me the picture. Interesting concept, a period ‘Bourne Identity?'”

If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.

So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?

Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.

The Judges (click for details)

Creative Commons License photo credit: swanksalot

1 thought on “The Judges – Circalit Loglines (4)”

  1. November 1944, Strasbourg, France. A soldier wakes up with amnesia. The only thing he remembers- his duty to deliver a package” – but which side was he on?

    I’d want to watch that…


Leave a Comment