In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
Dog Eat Dog World
“Little Jacob is hell bent on purchasing a new puppy with his savings. Unfortunately we learn that he has been extorting money from old folks in exchange for over-priced newspapers.”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “A weak premise, even for a comedy (assuming that is what this film is supposed to be). Boringly low stakes and a completely unimaginative scam on the part of the boy (over-priced newspapers to old folks). Now if little Jacob found something interesting while out playing such as a parcel of cash, a bag of drugs, or even some alien or sorceress artefact- then THAT would be a story worth telling. “
“Boringly low stakes and a completely unimaginative scam”
Adrian: “A simple but hilarious premise. I like the innocence and earnestness of the characters in the scam. The boy really wants a puppy and the old folks have no clue, initially at least, that they are being fleeced by a boy.”
“A simple but hilarious premise”
Robin: “I think I dislike every element in this, including the idea that the old folks are so stupid that even with the price written on the newspaper they would still pay more.”
“A failed genius has figured out a way to stop the 68minute time-loop he’s stuck in. Get across town and stop the device that started it all.”
The judges’ verdict:
Adrian: “The logline is merely stating a fact, a quirk in the world of the protagonist, that is presumably the main hook of the story. A set-up with no pay off. There is no story arc, no character development, nothing about what the failed genius is up against. “
“There is no story arc, no character development…”
Steven: “Too much like ‘Groundhog Day,’- yet without the humanity and character transformation potential. Who cares about his predicament? We are told nothing about this alleged ‘genius’ to like him or care about him.”
“We are told nothing about this alleged ‘genius’ to like him or care about him.”
Jack: “The repetition of the word ‘stop’ lets down this logline. How about ‘A failed genius is caught in a 68minute time loop. He must figure out a way to get across town and destroy the device that is ruining his life.’?”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot
2 thoughts on “The Judges – Circalit Loglines (5)”
I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure out my own logline. and it looks like this site doesn’t help. Just like every other site doesn’t help… NOT without leaking the total plot… esp if it’s the same logline that is going to be used to market the film once accepted by producers.
Hi Heather, did you check http://logline.it/ ?
You may need two loglines. One that leaks the plot (for producers) and one that merely teases (for the audience).
For now, I believe you’ll need the one that satisfies producers you have a working plot.