In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
Table For Two
“A cheating spouse, falsely accused of sexual harassment, discovers the truth behind his lacklustre marriage, his son’s real identity and the way permanently out of his mistress’s handcuffs”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “Too many different strands presented at once. The logline should focus on the husband and the irony of him being falsely accused of sexually harassing someone other than his mistress or wife. The other strands do not need to be mentioned in the logline.”
Too many different strands presented at once.
Jack: “This looks like a good story but we are being told the ending too soon. How about a bit of intrigue? How about ‘A cheating spouse, who struggles to find a way out of his mistress’s domination, is falsely accused of sexual harassment.’ That might be enough. The truth behind the lacklustre marriage and the son’s real identity is subordinate to the false accusation, and is not needed in the logline.”
…we are being told the ending too soon
Robin: “Suggests comedy. Interesting bits of plot, but what’s the story?”
“Biomedical research aliens come to Earth in the form of house pets and experiment on earthquake victims in a Midwestern college town.”
The judges’ verdict:
Dave: “Are the aliens/animals the main characters? Its tone is clear and well articulated. The concept, though interesting, isn’t really a story. It’s the inciting incident or even the hook. There is also no goal for anyone; if the pets do the research what will they do with it and why this town? Who is the antagonist, and who has to save the town? That’s the biggest element that is missing, whose story is it?”
I’s tone is clear and well articulated.
Steven: “Silly premise, even for a comedy – even if a children’s comedy(if that is what this is supposed to be). Better to have the (canine) aliens come to ‘liberate’ their furry brothers from their serfdom to humans.”
Silly premise, even for a comedy.
Jack: “This looks like a lot of fun. The logline could be improved if it began ‘When biomedical research aliens come to Earth…’ It is always good to give a logline a feeling of motion.”
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot