In this section we are publishing the loglines from the participants of the Circalit / Story Department “First Draft Script Contest”. Our judges have reviewed the loglines and give you their considered feedback. It may help you craft a powerful logline.
by The Judges
God Complex
“Ancient Greek God, Zeus meets modern day Lilly and makes her life hades.”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “Cleverly worded logline. But we need to know more about what specific forms of friction will occur between Zeus and Lilly. For example, is he a chauvinist and she a militant feminist? Is he a philandering pagan and she an upright church-going Christian? In principle the logline leaves the genre of this film uncertain. It could even be a horror flick under one interpretation.”
We need to know…about what specific forms of friction will occur between Zeus and Lilly
Nina: “This is written more as a concept with a play on words rather than a logline. As it stands this logline doesn’t give us a clear summary of the story. “
Doesn’t give us a clear summary of the story.”
Jack: “This could be a lot of fun. Why not start of with, “When Zeus, the ancient Greek god, meets modern day Lilly, her life is turned upside down, resulting in _____ “.”
Trick Riding Mamie
“Mamie Marchbanks, seventeen and oh so sassy, is a performer. She performs with circuses, Mexican travelling players and Mack Sennett, but her father and his bounty hunter are in pursuit.”
The judges’ verdict:
Steven: “This logline places the emphasis in the wrong places. The first half of the logline could be more effectively summed up as Mamie being a “sassy teen circus star” and leave it at that. The logline should then follow on with the real meat of the story: Namely, the father’s peril of being hounded by, say, “a ruthless, cold, calculating, and methodical” bounty hunter. “
The logline should […] follow on with the real meat of the story
Phyllis: “Interesting, colourful premise. Strong visual connotations, but storyline not clean enough, too complicated. Don’t really care about her. “
Interesting, colourful premise.
Jack: “As we don’t yet know the characters it is best not to name them. How about – “A sassy seventeen-year-old wants to keep enjoying life as a circus performer. But her father and a hired bounty hunter have other ideas.””
If you have an opinion on any of these synopses or the feedback from the judges, please share it with us in the comments below. Please keep the discussion constructive. Even if your first instinct may be subjective, try to give us as objective a reply as possible. The objective is to all (that includes us, judges) learn from the exercise.
So what is your verdict? Would you want to see these films? Why (not)? Did the judges get it right? How would you improve the synopses/loglines and what do you feel might improve the stories behind them?
Please give us your opinion in the comments at the bottom of this page.
The Judges (click for details)
photo credit: swanksalot